Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
