He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
These tits shall not be calmed
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