Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
