____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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