i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
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