Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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