Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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