I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
