make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
