I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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