"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
