You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she looked like the before picture.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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