Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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