If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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