True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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