You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
