My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
