im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
