i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
