I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
