come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
