i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
