then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so that wasnt chicken after all
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
