I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have tasted many bathrooms
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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