Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
