My cat gives me a boner
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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