my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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