I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
