We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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