were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
