cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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