Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
