i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
