yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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