Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
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His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
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I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds