I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
