id be glad to
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina