just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
