Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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