Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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