Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
