his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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