i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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