The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
