God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
