Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
