life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
