I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
