got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
