i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
