I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
