Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We had to coat check the pizza.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
