Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
