Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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