I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
