my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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